I got my period today.
The first one since December 2009.
To be clear, it's technically postpartum anovulatory bleeding - though in the last couple weeks, I have noticed cervical fluid of a more fertile quality than I've had in years (!!!), I didn't have the thermal shift indicative of actual ovulation - so this is a fake period; my body getting ready to gear back into cycles. It may take a few months to get there fully, but this certainly indicates that we're on our way. It's exciting!
Knowing that dayweaning is almost certainly what enabled my body to push through and get things moving, combined with knowing how well Ambrose has adjusted (he stopped asking after a couple of days), I am starting to wonder how I could cut down on his night nursings...! Hmm!
But at the same time, not being nursing all the time does leave me feeling a little dazed and wobbly, like a ship without an anchor, a tree without roots. I hold Ambrose, I play with him, I read to him - reading is a nice time - but usually our interactions are pretty quick. We spend all day together but don't connect deeply - both of us quiet, really paying attention to each other - very often, outside of nursing. I've come to love love love bedtime; I love him snuggled into me and not wiggling away to get onto the next thing, both of us just breathing and gazing at each other.
Breastfeeding has been such an integral part of our relationship, the way we connect - I don't quite know who we are without it! Is this what happens as babies grow up? Do you just feel less and less close together?
I suppose complex verbal expression will help me know his mind and connect with him when he gets to that age - but what about this sheer, humble, joyful baby abandon to his own intense intimate neediness, and the total, sheer fulfillment and contentment that brings me? Has this been a gift for only a short time?
It helps to think of it as such - as a gift - it helps me be more gentle and grateful, rather than tight-fisted and mopey. But I am still building my understanding of what our life together now will be - what the right images and metaphors are.
What is motherhood, parenthood after breastfeeding? Mamas of older angelbabies, please share your thoughts, poems, links to other blogs or essays that might help me adjust to this transition.